Sometimes things just aren’t okay, and that’s just life. Sometimes we have days we don’t want to get out of bed, or even wake up, and I feel I’ve had a lot of those lately. I figured I owe my readers, though they be few, a little bit of an explanation for me being gone for two weeks.
I genuinely don’t want sympathy here, I just need to get a few things off my chest. And maybe a few of you can relate.
Sometimes life is pressing. Not just depressing, but pressing. We get pressed from all sides, everyone taking something, few giving back. The lucky few we might have, who give as much as they take, are often the only reason some of us persevere. Drama, school, life, are all wanting, and succeeding, in taking large bits of my life time and time again. It’s like I’m drowning. I have times where I catch a quick breath, but then I’m taken back down in the dark water where the pressure presses in on all sides.
I’m good at acting like nothing is wrong, I’m a good actor. But sometimes I can’t hold it in. Sometimes it results in me calling a friend crying, or needing to be told I can do this. That I need to move forward. More often than not I end up not calling the friend and hole up in my room, depressed and scared. I’m scared of myself. What I might do.
I know there is a God, I don’t doubt that. But sometimes He seems distant. I always fall back on a story that my dad told me when I was younger.
There was a man who died and went to heaven to be with Christ. He stood on a magnificent beach and saw two sets of footsteps on the sand. He asked God what they were.
“Those are where I walked beside you during your life.” The Lord replied.
The Man looked farther ahead and pointed at a line of steps by themselves.
“Why are those alone? Why did you leave me?” He asked.
“I didn’t leave you my Child, those were the times when I picked you up and carried you.”
That story is, of course, my version of it, and I know it is often used and worded differently, but that is how I remember it. That story gives me hope. Christ is carrying me, even if my darkest times. When I don’t think I can cry another tear, He’s there.
We all have pain the world can’t see, scars that are hidden deep. Secrets we don’t want people to know, stories we keep to ourselves. Hurts we don’t admit, and pain we tuck away. But we should never give up. It hurts, but don’t give up from the pain. It won’t help you.
I get it. If you struggle with dark thoughts that won’t leave, or worse, I get it. Really I do. I’m just good at acting as if they aren’t there in my own life. I’m just lucky I have an amazing Savior who loves me. A God who never leaves, who carries me when I stumble, who finds me when I’ve lost my way. I pray you, dear reader, are one of those lucky, saved ones as well.
Dear reader, if you ever need to reach out, comments and the contact page are always open.